Can I say that I hate it? Or is that too strong of a word? Ok, then. I hate it.
Insomnia is like a really bad friend, hanging out uninvited and for way too long. It reminds you constantly of your faults. It tells you lies about yourself and others. And it makes you feel like you are all alone. No one else is up right now. No one else cares. And even if they did they are too busy sleeping to be bothered with all your problems.
Not that I have any problems. And even if I did I’d cast all my anxieties on Christ like a good Christian should. Right?
The problem is that I cast them, but not far enough. I tell myself that I am praying when really all I am doing is complaining and trying to fix everything in my own strength. I am being still in body, but not in my mind, which ultimately is where all our battles are fought. And either won or lost depending on who is doing the fighting.
Me or Jesus.
See, the thing is, on nights like tonight when I am in a battle of my own will there’s no possible way for me to find rest because the battle isn’t mine to fight. 2 Chronicles: 15
I wish I could remember that verse sooner than 2am. I’d much rather have the whispers of that promise in my ear instead of what I’ve chosen to listen to tonight.
“You’re not good enough.”
I get to the edge of tears when I choose to listen to that lie. I want to give up on just about everything.
I should be a better friend.
A better wife.
I’m failing as a mother.
And heaven knows I am highly unqualified for this job God asked me to do. What was He thinking?!
He was thinking that I’d trust my Father and listen to Him when He speaks. He was hoping that on a sleepless night He’d save me some heartache and just let me sleep while He banished anything that tried to harm me. I’m pretty sure He is shaking His head right now and wishing I would just stop writing and go to bed while He takes over the night shift.
Ok. I get it. I’ll go back to bed now and stop trying to solve the world’s problems by myself.