The Truth About Insomnia

Insomnia.

Can I say that I hate it? Or is that too strong of a word? Ok, then. I hate it.

Insomnia is like a really bad friend, hanging out uninvited and for way too long. It reminds you constantly of your faults. It tells you lies about yourself and others. And it makes you feel like you are all alone. No one else is up right now. No one else cares. And even if they did they are too busy sleeping to be bothered with all your problems.

Not that I have any problems. And even if I did I’d cast all my anxieties on Christ like a good Christian should. Right?

The problem is that I cast them, but not far enough. I tell myself that I am praying when really all I am doing is complaining and trying to fix everything in my own strength. I am being still in body, but not in my mind, which ultimately is where all our battles are fought. And either won or lost depending on who is doing the fighting.

Me or Jesus.

See, the thing is, on nights like tonight when I am in a battle of my own will there’s no possible way for me to find rest because the battle isn’t mine to fight. 2 Chronicles: 15

I wish I could remember that verse sooner than 2am. I’d much rather have the whispers of that promise in my ear instead of what I’ve chosen to listen to tonight.

“You’re not good enough.”

I get to the edge of tears when I choose to listen to that lie. I want to give up on just about everything.

I should be a better friend.

A better wife.

I’m failing as a mother.

And heaven knows I am highly unqualified for this job God asked me to do. What was He thinking?!

He was thinking that I’d trust my Father and listen to Him when He speaks. He was hoping that on a sleepless night He’d save me some heartache and just let me sleep while He banished anything that tried to harm me. I’m pretty sure He is shaking His head right now and wishing I would just stop writing and go to bed while He takes over the night shift.

Yawn.

Ok. I get it. I’ll go back to bed now and stop trying to solve the world’s problems by myself.

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Then Sings My Soul {A Glimpse of Joy}

Probably my favorite part about Summer is the Golden Hour. The time when the sun hangs heavy in the sky and makes everything seem to glow, casting long shadows and calling out the lightning bugs. The cicadas begin to emerge for the evening to sing us lullabies and remind us that we’ve put in a good days work. Time to rest, reflect and thank God for bringing us through it all.

It reminds me of my childhood when I could stay out and play in the dirt, ride my bike for hours and always seem to be travelling to far off lands in my mind while spinning only circles. I could be only a few houses down from my own and still feel like I was on the cusp of the biggest adventure. Only when I heard the sound of my mother’s voice calling me in for a bath would I ever go home.

I’ve had the worst writer’s block lately. Mostly it’s because I’ve been so busy with life changes and well, life in general. Whoever said Summer was lazy surely wasn’t a 40 year old mama. Life is just full. Abundantly so. But I tend to get stuck in a routine. Lately I think it’s been more of a rut.

If you’ve read my blog at all this year you know I’ve been struggling with maintaining Joy in my life. Not happiness. Fruit of the Spirit, Joy. I’m not sure where exactly I lost it. Somewhere between hospital stays, overcoming heartbreak and just plain Life’s bad news. Cancer. Divorce. More cancer. And change. I really don’t like change.

So tonight I couldn’t take staring at this blank screen a moment longer. The Golden Hour beckoned for me to come out and simply enjoy a moment to reflect. I grabbed my phone to be able to listen to music as I headed out the door and down the path to the Greenway behind my house.

Music and nature. The perfect combination.

The moon was already high in the sky, though the Sun was only teasing the horizon. Accepting of all the heavy rain these last several days, the creek bubbled and the current swiftly wove it’s way through the grass. Dragonflies darted and danced flirting with me as I walked along the path. And the heavy drape of Jasmine covered the air with it’s sweet and peculiar scent.

Ah. Summer! There you are with your pink and orange Sunsets and barefoot days!

I couldn’t help myself. I quickly set my music to the hymm that I seem to find myself only whispering these days during my quiet time. When I have nothing else to pray, I find myself drifting to the old familiar lyrics.

Oh, Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds thy hands have made…

Have you ever found yourself lost in a moment of pure…Joy? Considering all the works thy hands have made. The Sun lighting everything ablaze. The bluest sky decorated with the purest white clouds. The moon dangling there oh, so faithful and silent. Every detail to the fish in the stream to the pair of mallard ducks flying above my head. Every bit of it is perfectly orchestrated and on display for me to see.

In that one small moment all of that was just for me. No one else was in that space. No one else had the privilege of that same display. It was all just for me.

For me to find some joy.

Joy in the moment right there. How small I felt when taking it all in. A glimpse of Heaven and His hand controlling the Universe.

But it was fuel for another day. It was a source of Joy, abiding in Him in that way. And just like my mother used to when I was a child, it made me unafraid of when He will one day call me home. Because, what joy will fill my heart!

When Christ shall come
With shout of acclamation
And take me home
What joy shall fill my heart…

 

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